It's Really Happening!

Okay. . . I can do this. . . I can do this!

Well, maybe not.  Over the past few months since Tammy, my wife, announced that she and Marcus my son were going to Guatemala for three months as part of his GAP year, I have wondered how I would feel when they left. 

At times, I thought that I would enjoy the freedom.  I started to get excited about being able to get up and have the house to myself.  I could just use the fireplace to heat the house, watch TV as much as I wanted, use Marcus' video games, stay at work late, help at the BAAY theater, and do whatever else I wanted to. 

As time got closer, I started to get worried.  I was afraid that I would feel sad.  A few days before they left, I had an emotional moment, where I had pressure in my chest at the thought not hearing AC/DC in the car or the record player at bedtime.  After a few minutes I pulled it together.  For the next two days, I was stable and had no more emotional issues. 

Then came Super Bowl Sunday.  It was a day of highs and lows.  The Seahawks were in the Superbowl and Tammy and Marcus were leaving for Guatemala.  We watched the game and then took them to the airport.  We kissed and hugged and then we left.  I watched Tammy and Marcus walk into SEATAC airport.  It would be the last time that I saw them for two months until I went to visit them in San Pedro and another month after that until they came back to Bellingham.  I was surprised that I did not cry when they left.  I had a confused feeling, but I did not cry. . . until later.

I was driving home and I thought I would put in Marcus' AC/DC disc.  As soon as I did, I knew it was a mistake.  Bam, it hit me.  I got the rush of panic and an overwhelming urge to cry.  So, I did.  I also took the CD out.  I wasn't ready yet.  It was the first time that I have felt that alone since Tammy and I got married eighteen years ago, on March 31, 1995.  It wasn't the first time that I have been without them.  There was the week they spent in Bothel with her parents.  There was the time that they went to Mexico, but they came home early, because it got too cold.  I think they just missed me too much :)  This was different.  Three months was a long time.  A really long time.  I stopped that night to charge my electric car in Burlington.  I played with Luna and played Scramble on my I-phone in the freezing car.  By the time I got home, it was midnight and I went upstairs, got in bed and went to sleep.  I was out.  The emotional day had taken it's toll. 

All-in-all, I felt pretty good about the way I dealt with my family leaving.  I came to realize in the days following that I was in for a transition that took me back to a time in my life that was much less structured and full of quiet solitude, time management, sadness and a stress that I had forgotten existed.  Bachelorhood.